Down the rabbit hole

 I did something bad, twice.  

I spent too much time on social media and went looking where I shouldn't have.  First was just a simple, hey lets look at these people that are suggestions of who I should follow.  Which was harmless at first, then went left, right and to a few people from high school, who really I didn't know well, maybe had a single class with or just knew by association.  Second was something similar, but I could see through a person's I follow stories about someone the same age as me from high school.

It was bad, it was envy.  It is what social media is there for and what it does.  It makes you fell bad about your life.

Most post are happy and cheerful, and look at all the places I've been and I go, and do and eat.  Although now I'm thinking...don't I do that too?  Didn't I literally post pictures of food just the other day.  Well, yes I guess I did, but I don't do it constantly (not that everyone does) and I don't do it on purpose (again not that everyone does).    But going back and looking at well people who I am not actually following, but can see their lives through social media makes me think, what is wrong with my life.  

Hey Carrie!  There is a partial reason you don't follow them on social media and only part of it is because you don't really know them. 

To the girl who is younger then me, she looks happy with her fiancé and living in New York and still seeing all her friends from high school.  Then there is the girl the same age, who is married, and has a kid, and bought a house, out celebrating her birthday at a winery, and then of course there is the actual friend who has been married for years, went to New York to celebrate her birthday and seems to travel somewhere every month or every other month.  

Envy.  It makes me think what is wrong with my life, is there something I could be doing differently?  

How come I don't have a house yet?  It was a thought when our rent went up a bit higher then we expected, but when doing a little looking around most other places were renting at about the same, and because houses require doing all the maintenance yourself, saving up a little more for next year seems smart.

Why aren't I traveling the world more?  I did go to Paris and England a few years ago, the first time I had to get a passport, but I haven't used it since.  So, maybe soon .  Then there was COVID, so nobody was going anywhere.  And then well I moved, so I guess it is going somewhere different, and again I am trying to explore, but it all goes back to money.  Traveling costs money, doing things costs money, and hey maybe we save our money for other things (like a house).  There is always an itch to travel, go places, I guess I'll take the little wins.  Hopefully we can go to Flagstaff soon or a long weekend in Sedona or even to the Grand Canyon in the coming months.  Again the little wins, like going to Texas next weekend, or my mom coming to visit me soon.  

Where is my engagement ring?  When will I get married?

It also has me thinking partially, do I want these things because I see other people with them, or do I want them because I want them.  Yes I want to get married, or have some sort of big dress moment, but it shouldn't be rushed because I see old friends doing it, or because both of my sisters were married by the time they were my age.  I want it to be natural, not forced, but clearly something that needs to be discussed with my boyfriend of five plus years now.

Ugh, as I type I'm thinking maybe I should take a social media break.  Do I really need it?  Is it healthy?  Do I need updates on well, anything or everyone I know everyday?  No.  I already try to limit my time on social media, using it a few days a week, but I even noticed myself yesterday checking my phone/IG more whether it was because of being my day off or I was bored I can't say.  All I can say is, I need to restrict myself a little more so there is no going down a search of regret again.